Your entire life you’ve been told “there’s no such thing as a stupid question”. Well, the results are in, and the lie detector said that was a lie. There are plenty of stupid questions. The following examples of what shitty questions and answers look like come from ShittyAskScience, a group of ‘scientists’ on Reddit. There’s an art to what they do, so our hats are off to them. To all the brave scientists at ShittyAskScience, we tip our fedoras to you.

Shitty Question #1

bad-answers-01

Shitty Answer:

The gas station is two miles in one direction. Google Maps directed your dad in the OPPOSITE direction to avoid traffic. The circumference of the planet is 24,901 miles. Considering how slowly vehicles move in the water it may take a few more years until he even reaches the gas station. The trip back is a whole different issue. If he travels back against the rotation of the planet he might never get home. Just keep waiting.

Inspiration: Reddit
Image: el-toro (CC BY 2.0)

Shitty Question #2

This artist’s impression shows how Mars may have looked about four billion years ago. The young planet Mars would have had enough water to cover its entire surface in a liquid layer about 140 metres deep, but it is more likely that the liquid would have pooled to form an ocean occupying almost half of Mars’s northern hemisphere, and in some regions reaching depths greater than 1.6 kilometres.

Shitty Answer:

Astronomist here!

Unfortunately, Mars has a very rocky and irregular surface, which is not compatible with the smoothness of jazz. The only way to match that rockiness would obviously be to play rock instead, but the resulting atmosphere would then be too hostile for humans. It’s an issue that scientists around the world are still trying to overcome. – DocsMildlyDislikeMe

Inspiration: Reddit
Image: ESO/M. Kornmesser (CC BY 2.0)

Shitty Question #3

smoking-cures-salmon

Shitty Answer:

Salmon breathe water, not air. Because of this they are immune to the harms of smoking, and reap the huge benefits that were advertised by smoking companies in the last century. If humans breathed water, smoking could cure all diseases.

Inspiration: Reddit
Image: Ian Sane (CC BY 2.0)

Shitty Question #4

five-second-rule-soup

Shitty Answer:

If it’s chicken soup, the soup will kill bacteria anyway, so really, you could eat the floor the soup landed on. There’s a reason we get fed chicken soup when we’re sick. If it’s not, the five second rule re-applies every time you drop food. Simply gather all the soup back up into a cup and spill it again. You can then eat five seconds worth. Repeat process until food is consumed. If that doesn’t work, just soak it up with a sponge and squeeze the soup into your mouth. It’s common knowledge that sponges filter out any bacteria. And remember: bacteria are more afraid of you than you are of them.

Image: stu_spivack, (CC BY-SA 2.0)
Inspiration: Tomaytto, Infidel6, themichelinman, RoboIcarus

Shitty Question #5

dog-space-vacuum

Shitty Answer:

Almost! Space actually has one large vacuum that patrols the atmosphere, and it killed the dog. You’ve heard of “The Vacuum of Space” before, right? That’s what did it. The large vacuum drove too much sound into the dogs ears, causing a sound overload, leading to sound cancer. That’s why we don’t send dogs to space anymore without Mutt Muffs hearing protection for dogs.

Image: Kayla (CC BY-SA 2.0)

If you want to learn some more terrible science, head over to Reddit’s ShittyAskScience.